issing Tentacles: The Letdown of an 'Authentic' Alien Culture Experience
Visitors to Stellar Capital seeking an 'Authentic Alien Culture Experience' encounter fresh confusion and empty ceremonies. Don’t expect spiritual enlightenment; at best, mild bewilderment wrapped in marble and protocol.
As a dimensional mechanic, I’m no stranger to odd places, grinding realities, and, odder still-cultural events bursting with universal goodwill and organizational blunders. The so-called 'Authentic Alien Culture Experience' in Stellar Capital's heart was touted as a sensory journey into the unknown. I’d sum up this journey as getting one foot stuck in procedural darkness.
Upon arrival, a processional drone attempted to verify my credentials, only to decide my multi-versal wrench-key was 'potentially metaphysically incorrect.' After thirty minutes marooned in a marble foyer (amid beings in three states of matter-none sure why they were there), I was ushered into the 'immersive cultural demonstration.' This consisted of a holographic jellyfish dance, narrated by a voice-over assigning allegedly 'profound' symbolism to every motion while ignoring the obvious question-why?
Positives, slim as they are: at least the catering considered sixteen biochemical spectra, ensuring my internal enzymes remained in partial working order. The light show inside the crystal dome functioned as intended, though three beams at once attempted to teleport the audience to various conceptual realities-resulting in my neighbor (now aptly called Ms. Skril of the Gas Mantle Colony) swapping identities mid-experience.
Sadly, all paled before the endless cycles of ceremonial clones, reciting ritual speeches about the 'depth of intergalactic culture.' Anyone hoping for genuine, vibrant exchange left with nothing more than certified holographic brochures, and a nostalgia for bureaucracy-grade coffee.