ulsating Painful Nonsense: The Catastrophic Premiere of 'The Quasar Bark'
This theatrical production broke multiple intergalactic statutes, and not in a good way. Read how an avant-garde performance on Nebula Station Z-44 mutated into the worst nightmare ever unleashed upon an audience.
Where to begin? Perhaps with the Titanic-but even that managed to go down with some style. ‘The Quasar Bark’ billed itself as a revolutionary performance, but turned out to be an intergalactic disaster on stardate 4422.257. The audience (those who stayed conscious) endured hours of captivity by sweaty gas-beings and uncoordinated humanoids, feebly attempting theater, dance, and mechanical ‘poetry’ (or was it merely a malfunction in the air filtration?).
The script appeared to be generated live by a malfunctioning wormhole navigation array-sentences trailed off in unintelligible Neptunian mumbling, while the director, some half-hearted octopoid, was nowhere in sight. The undisputed highlight was a falling stage spotlight (quite literally: it crashed onto the lead actor’s head). Special mention to the ‘cosmic choir’, comprised of twenty-five powerfully off-key echoes, giving the audience every reason to permanently disable their internal communicators.
The climax? The station’s automated fireworks engine short-circuited, drenching the final act in evacuation blue. Nothing encapsulates existential void quite like a scene played to the wail of a siren while actors scramble for the emergency exit.